Suzie

an all out attack, praise the Lord

This week has been one of the lowest points in my life. I felt all alone but was scared to be left on my own, I felt unable to cope with the simplest of tasks, like getting up, I felt abandoned utterly and completely, I felt angry, a real deep anger (that I have never felt before) that went to my very core, an anger that I didn't fully understand, where had it come from? I was very tearful, just drinking a cup of tea would see me want to cry. I was so tired mentally and physically, my brain was in overdrive, I felt so heavy, I had no one to talk to (because I don't like to burden others, I just like to help and listen) and it felt like I just couldn't cope with anything, every one was so negative towards me, they didn't understand, oh Sue's having one of her "woe is me days", everyone was too busy to notice that it was not a woe is me day, this was very different, no one could see how unhappy I was, that i was having a crisis, a nervous breakdown, or so I thought, I was under attack. During this attack, the anger held me as a total prisoner. I could not focus on God, every time I tried to think about God, God seemed further away, it took away my ability to think, all of my normal reasoning left me, it robbed me of my gentleness, my understanding and my caring nature went out the window to be replaced with wickedness, it made me see all things in a very selfish way for a small period of time. The feeling was very dark indeed, I need to pray to God that I will not be attacked like this again, there was a reason and a purpose for this experience, that God allowed me to feel for that short period of time, thank you Father, I pray that I will have full understanding of this in years to come.

Exodus 14:14 (a verse given to me) The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.

I have so much to be thankful to God for. On the worst days when I was so scared to be left alone, God gave Allan the patience and caring to understand and not be annoyed at my weakness. Thank you Father. Being so angry saw me being mean and horrible to people. I could hear myself saying hurtful and unreasonable things, but I couldn't stop myself. Rage flew out of me uncontrollably. By the time God helped me to stop all this from continuing, I felt as though I'd come through a major operation and my life had just been saved, I still feel a little weak and weary on the inside but I know I am getting stronger every minute, I felt empty, numb and raw, but in a more peaceful way. Feeling that kind of anger is so heavy. Its like your body has huge lead weights inside. God removed them very quickly. He used Sam to reason with my mind, to plant new seeds. He used Lei to show me caring and understanding. How awesome is our God.

In my life I have known much pain and sadness, and a lot of heaviness because of this, I now realise that not all the sadness I feel or felt was my own, but it is from others around me. The Lord is amazing in the way he uses us to help others. We all have such different gifts. I am so grateful to God my Father for the things he shows me, for the suffering I have endured in my life, all of which God uses today through me to help others. God is my strength, my driving force, with out whom I may have killed myself needlessly a couple of years ago. He has always been faithful, caring and loving towards me throughout my whole life, my rock. Thank you Father, you are so awesome, in a way no one will be able to comprehend here on earth.

We are studying Acts in our bible study group, it is amazing how Paul remains so faithful and convicted to do what God has asked him to do in Jesus name, even through all the sufferings he endured along the way. He remained focused completely on his task. He trusted God to guide him through the Holy Spirit in all of the situations that arose and to take care of him, he never had any doubts. It is wonderful to see how God helped Paul, the people he placed on his path to protect him from the evil around him. Today we live in different times, but really are they so different? Sure we have more mod cons, we have television and radios etc.. for better communication. But after all of these things, we still have a high element of evil in our world. A high element of greed and selfishness, you read about corruption and evil doings in some churches, we all have fear inside us I guess, a fear of completely letting go and fully relying on God 100%, we are scared of failing. Only God knows the reasons behind all this. It would be awesome if a lot more of us had Paul's conviction for doing God's work. I am not saying that we don't have any people in this world now, who are like Paul, because I know God has placed some around the world. Just that it would be awesome if we all had this strength to go out and evangelise, without fear. God has given us all the choice of path we want to walk along. Powerful word CHOICE.

All who are thirsty, all who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
be washed away
In waves of his mercy
as deep cries out to deep (we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come x4
Holy Spirit Come x 3

Satan has no hold on me at all, as I was bought with the blood of Jesus Christ, who died on the cross, so that I can have freedom and live. He knows this, so he does whatever he can to distract me and persecute me. But Jesus is triumphant. "And my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name". Amen xx

posted by suzie @ 1:53 AM