Suzie

sadness and joy

Yesterday was a very strange day indeed. Going to church is so much more relaxing now, I do not feel so anxious (it is not easy letting go of insecurities, but thank the Lord that he is working on me slowly), I am learning new social skills all the time, partly by watching others (I have always been a people watcher, instead of joining in conversations) and partly because God pushes me forward. Some of my brothers and sisters come and talk to me when I sit there alone and withdrawn. It seems so much easier not to talk to anyone (another area that God is challenging me to change). I find talking to people very hard, I felt more accepted by others when William was still here in England, I do miss him. I do feel like an outsider sometimes, I think God has challenged a couple of people to try to change this feeling. Today was a challenge because I agreed to pray for others, which is funny really because I still have great difficulty praying with people, my mind empties, it's as if I have a drainage tube inserted somewhere. I have no real confidence to pray with others, but loads of it when I am on my own. Yesterday I started to make a million excuses as to why I shouldnt go to church, but God was having none of it. I am so glad he made me go to church, Ezra's message had a lot of challenges in it, which I will take with me to the retreat.

God has been calling me to have some time with him, away from my many distractions, I finally have that chance to just go and be with my Father. I am looking forward to going away on Tuesday, to a retreat with beautiful surroundings, to be away from the world and its everyday pressures of life, from the telephone and from the tv and from my work. It will be great to sit and talk to God, to challenge him with the many questions I have, not only about myself but about others in my life and people that God himself has placed in my life.

Someone God has placed in my heart (a person I previously felt intimidated by and a little scared of, all this has been replaced by a sense of peace when I am in his company), was in a very somber mood today (I just wanted to give him a great big hug). He was very withdrawn, making it hard to talk to him but also making him appear rude to those who do not know him, but that didn't deter me. He looked so sad and lost, even though I am sure this was not the case, he just needed to return to his comfort zones, its always easier to be alone, even when surrounded by others, I hope that God will be able to reach him while he is in this mood and shake him gently out of these comfort zones. I pray that he will not go backwards, but will continue to push forward, and take on the challenges that God has indeed placed in his heart and mind, to integrate with more and more people on all levels, and to analyse them less. I pray that all his past hurts and loniness will be healed to allow him to grow and feel more of what God wants him to feel, to live as a child of God fully opened and not hide behind anything, I pray that he will want to seek others and not sit back and wait for them to seek him. It is wonderful how we see God working in others. I have definetly seen God's work in this person. Thank you Father.

Another person that God has definetly challenged me with knowing, was having a very hard time of it, although thank the Lord, he is making positive moves forward, and knows in his mind what he needs to do. It has been great to see the way God has spoken to him of late. I do worry about him though, because he is surrounded by non-christians, and there advice is based on the ways of the world and not on God or biblical references. I pray for protection from satan and any influences he has in his life to be removed in Jesus name. God has been gracious. I made a few mistakes and may have given wrong advise, but God is guiding me so I do not fear any attacks again from the devil.

Oh well I will have to stop now because I need to get a lot of work done before my retreat tomorrow. God bless you all.

posted by suzie @ 4:34 PM